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One of the things which I pride myself on is the fact that every BDSM activity that I partake in, everything that I inflict on others, is something that I have personally experienced the sensation of (with the exception of the obvious, e.g. penile sounding).
I have been canned, flogged, spanked, paddled, whipped, cut, electrocuted, tortured, skewered, burned, bloodied… The list is quite extensive.
My point is that, regardless of how sadistic I may be feeling at any given moment, I would never put anyone through something which I am not willing to go through myself (even briefly, just to see what it feels like).
In fact, it is through diverse experimentation like this that I have figured out that:
- I have a sliver of masochism. However, I am not truly masochistic (I do not derive physical pleasure or relief from pain, however I do understand it and I do consider it a bit fun on occasion if the mood and setting is complimentary, e.g. Touching nipple to nipple when using a violet wand body contact pad with the setting turned on full so you have the effect of sparks or lightning passing between the nipples).
- I am incredibly sadistic (I derive physical and intellectual pleasure from inflicting pain and suffering on others. I have also discovered that part of what makes me better at inflicting pain is the fact that I study human anatomy/biology and that I personally experience and research each activity).
- I am naturally and instinctively far more dominant than submissive (I am also in the firm belief, through years of sociological D/s experiences and encounters, that everyone has at least a little of both in them; despite some Dominants claiming that they are 100% “everyone on the planet should kneel before me” dominant).
Call it an ethical judgement or personal morality if you like, but my main question is: Why is it that I do not see or hear more peoples stories of experiencing things themselves before inflicting things on others? Has that Dominant in the corner of the club experienced what they are putting that submissive through? Or am I, yet again, part of the minority in that I practice what I preach and inflict?
Responses to this post would be greatly appreciated. I am incredibly curious to know of other peoples stories and opinions on this matter.
A story about one of our play sessions that my Benjamin has been asking me to write for some time. However, lately I have not been in the mood to write short stories. So, I told him to write up the story from his perspective and that I would publish it on the blog after adding to it and editing it.
It was a Tuesday evening and I made my way to the dungeon for the usual session with my Mistress. I thought it would just be a regular session. I was wrong.
On arriving at the house doorway, I paused slightly in the entryway before ringing the bell. It is very similar to visiting the dentist. There is a clean smell but at the same time, an unnerving sense. Once you step beyond the barred metal door, you give up all rights and you are at the whim of the Mistress to do as she pleases.
I rang the doorbell and waited for the clicking sound of heels which I normally hear as Mistress approaches the door to let me inside. I waited and I listened. I heard no sound this time.
Suddenly the door opened. It was the house slave.
“Good evening, the Mistress is expecting you and is awaiting your arrival upstairs.” he said with a welcoming smile.
I glanced at my watch to double check that I had arrived on time. I was a few minutes early.
“Is everything alright?” I asked as I stepped through to the hallway.
“Everything is fine, the Mistress is waiting for you in the purple room tonight, she demanded that you be sent up as soon as you arrived. Enjoy your evening.”
As I made my way up the thin staircase, I could see the dull glow from the dungeons candles seeping through the curtain door and as I entered, the first thing I saw is Mistress sitting on her Iron throne, smoking a cigarette and looking quite relaxed.
I try my hardest not to show any nerves. She always says that she can smell fear. So far she has never been wrong. But I manage to greet her as normal. There was a short silence as I waited for her reply. The tone of her voice can usually give away some clues as to how heavy the evenings play will be, but this time the words were soft and sensual.
I approached slowly to stand in front of her and I offered her my usual gift which she accepted gracefully. There was a certain glint in her eye as she placed the gift to one side and in a single word told me to undress.
My nerves kicked in again. Normally I am undressed by the time she enters the dungeon but I turned away and begin to do as I was told.
“Face me. I wish to watch.”
With her watchful gaze upon me, I returned to face her and begin to take off my clothes piece by piece to place neatly in the corner. She smiled as I removed the last item and then gestured to the floor in front of where she sat. A signal of her wish to have me kneel at her feet.
After a few peaceful moments of sensation, Mistress running her claws through my hair and behind my ears, she leaned forward and whispered for me to stand in front of the slanted post, which I did immediately. She followed, but slowly. Standing from her throne and making sure every click of her heel could be savored as she walked towards me.
Normally just my hands and feet are secured, but this time she also secured my waist and made sure my movement would be limited.
“I want you fully secure tonight” She said in her voice like silk. “You will understand why in a few moments.”
I took in a deep breath and tried to think of something to say. I decided that it is probably best to say nothing at all.
Once secure, Mistress walked slowly towards the door, pausing only briefly to turn and smile at me before disappearing out. She returned a minute later carrying a large black box with silver accents. There was no mistaking her vintage violet wand (Angele) which she placed directly next to me on a waist height spanking stool.
My trepidation built as she took her time connecting all of the leads into the machine along with the body contact pad attachment. Then slowly lifting one side of her Steampunk skirt to reveal her left stocking top, she sensually slid the pad inside. For me this was breathtaking to watch, but unexpectedly she then lifted the other side of her ruffled skirt to reveal a small dagger tucked inside the top of her other stocking.
The dagger was tenderly removed and Mistress stood for a few moments before me, watching my expressions intently and caressing the blade tip with her claws. When she is not pressured for time, she likes to take her time, which can be all the more unnerving.
Eventually, she turned to one side and switched on Angele. The machine is not like a modern violet wand which would hum and whirr, Angele rumbles and growls, and had now electrified both my Mistress and the dagger in her hand.
Mistress returned her gaze and looked at me with such tenderness that I became oblivious to what she was about to do. The look in her eyes was one of content and pure confidence as she leaned in close to press the dagger against my chest and hold it still against the skin.
The initial shock of cold steel upon the skin outweighed the electrical discharge. As long as the dagger was pressed firmly and not moved, the electricity would not be felt.
“Now you see why I want you secure” she said softly as her body leaned in close for a few moments to press against mine.
And then it happened; she quickly stepped back and drew the dagger in a diagonal line across the bare of my chest. With the electricity running through it, it had the same sensation as if the knife was burning through the flesh and cutting deeply. A red line appeared in its wake, tracing the daggers branding and you could smell the scent of burning flesh.
Mistress paused and held the knife still, stopping the pain. She then leaned in close, again to press her body against mine before tracing the line she had just drawn across my chest with a claw. She deeply inhaled the scent in the air and a grin of utter pleasure formed on her lips.
“No Champagne” She said in that deceptive soft tone and referring to our normal safe word, revoking the privilege.
So, I took in a deep breath, closed my eyes and tried my best to find my sub space.
UPDATE: As of 19/02/14, Benjamin and I have went our separate ways and are no longer play partners.
At the beginning of this year, purely by chance, a wandering soul entered my realm. His eagerness to test and try new sensations and activities brought him to me. He called himself Benjamin.
At first, I did not differentiate him from anyone else who had came to me with curiosities. Why would I? I did not realise at the time just how deep things would go, or how fast.
It was not long before our play became a regular occurrence and soon afterwards, a strong D/s bond started to take effect. This in turn developed over the months into closeness, trust and more until I finally began classing him as ‘My’ submissive in the July of this year.
This was an incredibly big deal and I will explain why:
Back in 2006, I released my last submissive of her station and role obligations (She became my partner and as many who read my blog may know, a constant D/s relationship does not always work full time); I essentially made a decision to keep D/s as play or work and to limit submission permanence.
I made a list of prerequisites and conditions so that if ever I was to take on another permanent submissive, they would need to be exceptional. Perfect not just for me but also for my partner and my lifestyle. Much of this list can be seen in a previous blog post of mine named: Procuring permanence.
In almost 6 years, nobody had ever managed to get past step three.
Benjamin is on step five. So I am in the belief that this blog post is overdue, and today is his birthday; ergo, an excellent day for introductions?
But he has grown to be more than simply my submissive. He is also my play partner (the D/s is not constantly in effect) and he has also grown to be my closest friend.
You can read his fetlife profile: Here. But for those who do not have a fetlife account, I will relay his written profile below:
I had always enjoyed the kinkier side of sex and this is what drew me towards BDSM.
I decided that if this was a journey that I wanted to take I should experience first hand what it feels like to be submissive and hopefully learn from it. I believe that you need to learn what pleasures and pain can be received from different aspects of play before you attempt to inflict them on others.
It was through this curiosity and wish to learn that I met Mistress Aemilia Hawk.
Personally, I think that it takes a lot of courage and trust to be truly submissive. In my eyes, if a Mistress/Master does not have respect for there submissive, they are truly not what this lifestyle is all about and do not deserve the title.
I quickly learned that Mistress Aemilia was the only person who I could offer submission to. She pushes my boundaries and is worth the effort. It has certainly been an amazing journey so far and I would say that I have learned a lot about myself.
I never expected BDSM or Mistress Aemilia to become so large a part of my life. It has been almost a year now that we have been exploring and playing together. I have mentioned on occasion that I have felt spoiled by her knowledge and skill. She has very high standards and over 10 years of experience. Setting the pedestal so high from the beginning has forced me to learn incredibly quickly. I am glad that I did and I feel very lucky to have her as my Mistress.
While I have grown to enjoy many forms of BDSM play, including sounding, flogging, violet wand play, CP and knife play.
Recently I have taken a large interest in Shibari and Kinbaku. My Mistress has encouraged this and we are currently exploring it further together.
Kinbaku is visually stunning to watch and a pure art form. But what is most important for me in doing this type of play is the connection between the two people involved. It is much more than just rope play.
I do not know what the future holds, who does?
My Mistress says that “Life is not worth living if you live it like a mundane.”
All I know is that currently, I am happy, content and having a lot of kinky fun.
No doubt he will be reading this as soon as the post is published. So, to my Benjamin:
“Happy birthday sweet pea, and be in the dungeon at 8:00 pm sharp!”
Photography by Raven Imaging.
All images are Copyright © 2012 AemiliaHawk. All Rights Reserved.
I had a wonderful time teaching a flogging workshop at the Exodus UK over the weekend. The venue is huge, well equipped, warm, welcoming and many new friends were made.
Getting a few photos of a couple of my knife play blades was also mandatory:
Photos were also taken with my Benjamin, but these will be shown soon in a post which will introduce him properly.
I hope the images are enjoyed. They will be added to the blog gallery.
Photography by Raven Imaging.
All images are Copyright © 2012 AemiliaHawk. All Rights Reserved.