There is a song which I have memorised. It is called “The ABC’s of kinky sex” sung by a band called “Lords of acid”. I find it a wonderful tool and often encourage menials to learn it. Getting a letter wrong can be rather excruciating for my subject, though incredibly entertaining on my part.

Because I am unbelievably generous, this post is to clarify my slight variation of the lyrics for those currently attempting to learn them:

A is for asphyxiation, you won’t catch your breath.
B is for the blindfold, that keeps you dark as death.
C is for your cock which I will squash beneath my shoe, while I watch you wiggle, and I laugh at you.
D is for my dildo that you will learn to blow.
E is for your enema, I control the flow.
F is for my flogger, I will whip you so violent.
G is for the gag in place to keep your screaming silent.
H is for humiliation that you must bear.
I will immobilise you in my sexual lair.
J is for your jizzy, jerking tendency.
K for kisses, L for love and licks you offer me.
M is for the manacles imprisoning your feet.
N is for your nelly little nimby so sweet.
O is for the O-rings, holding you in place.
P is for the perspiration dripping down your face.
Q is for the quirt I use to whip your eager ass.
R is for restraints, to make the magic last.
S is for sweet suffering that only you will know.
T is for the torment, that keeps you on the go.
U is for unbridled lust that only I control as I claim for my own your body, mind, and soul.
V is for the vicious urge to struggle in vain, while I tease and tantalize you and eroticise your pain.
W is where, the winding woman walks.
X is for excruciating X-rated talk.
Y is your the yo-yo; I will yank upon your string and watch you yell and holler from the pleasure that it brings.
Z is for the zestfulness with which you will submit.

Now I have taught you every letter so remember all of it.

Quotations: 2011

Last month a menial suggested that I should start ‘tweeting’ things that I have actually said (quotes) on to my Twitter account. It seemed like a rather fun idea and every time something has been said (that has brought amusement as a result or has been adequately witty) which is suitably small enough to fit into a ‘tweet’, I tend to post it. I will admit (reluctantly) that some things which tend to pop from my mouth can be incredibly entertaining and without prior planning on my part. To this end I have decided to comprise favorite quotations of the past year (including the ones that I have not been able to ‘tweet’) into a single blog post purely for fun.

As usual, no names will be mentioned and people will be referred to in an anonymous fashion or title. Of course, you will all know who you are from being present when I had said the quote in question. Try also to bear in mind that almost all of these quotes have been said in the heat of the moment and are not meant to offend any readers of my blog.



Pedestrian: “Excuse me, but what gives you the right to be so bossy?”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “Here, have one of my business cards.”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “I asked and she said ‘mmmmnnggghh’. I have no idea what that meant, but I am sure it was complimentary. It may have had something to do with the ball gag.”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “There is no problem that cannot be resolved through the strategic application of suffering.”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “Mental note: When the inkwell runs dry, stabbing menials with the quill is an adequate short-term substitute.”

Menial: “I don’t think this is such a good idea, Mistress”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “While I admit that you may have many excellent qualities, do not delude yourself into believing that ‘thought’ is one of them.”

Menial: “I am going to hell, aren’t I?”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “I can think of worse places to spend eternity. Glasgow, for instance.”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “People who think they are clever greatly annoy those of us that are.”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “You could say I suffer from an incredibly low self esteem. Fortunately, being a Mistress, I consider everyone else as beneath me.”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “Many people have commented that I have quite a gentle voice. This is true, it is incredibly deceptive.”

Menial: “Winter hunting, Mistress?”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “With tooth and claw, constantly. Though a bird is already caught for my festive holiday feast. I believe you both have met.”

Pedestrian: “Excuse me, are your teeth real?”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “Excuse me, are you wearing a toupee?”

Mistress: “Ohh! I have one just like that!”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “The flogger or the animal?”

Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “I did something wonderful today: I gave blood.”
Menial: “I know you do not like this word, Mistress. But that was a very ‘nice’ thing for you to do.”
Mistress Aemilia Hawk: “I never said it was my blood.”